Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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