I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
