Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
