I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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