She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
