just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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