I puked a lego.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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