Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
