My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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