She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
