When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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