That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We need to get me chipped asap
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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