Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
