As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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