she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
