i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
