She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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