Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I look better un-naked...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize