I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
