Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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