Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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