So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
