i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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