thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
