If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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