I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
