What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
