I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
