I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
