Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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