Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am one with the molecules
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
