i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
