The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Even my vagina gasped.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
