if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
