i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
