and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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