Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
