You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
4 words: hood of his car
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
