I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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