I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
