I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
