I'm really into asian looking animals
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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