Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
