tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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