god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Randomize
