There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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