well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
