You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
