Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
