i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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