I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
