i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
