I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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