she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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