I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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