Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
