My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
