My liver just broke up with me...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
