ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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