hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
