So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
