This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
