I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize