I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
